Taming Tantrums
The first step necessary to deal with a tantrum is to understand why it is happening. Tantrums happen for many reasons and vary with age and development. Dealing with tantrums will thus also vary based on the age and development of the child. There is, however, one golden rule that applies for every tantrum at every age:
Speak Softly & Stay Calm
Easier said than done! When a child is having a melt down it is normal to feel frustrated and our natural inclination is to react first and think later. During a tantrum we need to reverse that and think about the best way to handle the situation. Developing calming techniques and practicing ahead of time is the first essential step in taming tantrums. Here are some techniques that may work for you:
Slowly count to ten
Take slow, deep breaths
Squeeze a stress ball
Recite a calming mantra
Inhale a soothing essential oil
Take a timeout
Did I say take a time out? The “parent timeout” can be a very effective tool, not only to remove yourself from the stressful situation until you can calm down, it often will stop the tantrum in its tracks as your child ponders, “Wait. Did they just take a timeout from me?” Don’t do it too often though, as it will lose its impact if you do it over and over again.
Babies cry to communicate with us. Parents quickly learn the differences between the hunger cry versus the tired cry versus the I’m bored cry. All babies will experience a period of fussiness beginning at 3 to 4 week of age and lasting until about 8-10 weeks of age. During this time they will often cry for several hours in the evening and do not seem to be hungry, tired, sick or have a dirty diaper. Try the following steps for the baby tantrum:
Speak in a soft, soothing tone
Distract them with toys or bright, colorful pictures
Play music and dance with them
Try a change of scenery, such as a walk outside or a car ride
If all else fails, put them in a safe place and let them cry it out. This encourages self soothing skills which is a good thing
Toddlers are the classic tantrum throwers and there are several reasons why:
They believe they are the center of the Universe and everything that exists is for them to touch and play with.
They are developing speech and will get frustrated when you can’t understand what they want
They understand no, but not the why behind the no
Tantrums get your attention
The most effective technique when dealing with the toddler tantrum is the ignore and distract technique. Ignore the tantrum and distract them with a new activity. For attention seeking behaviors, such as biting or hitting, kneel down so that you are eye to eye and firming state, “No, we do not bite” then simply walk away from them. Focusing more attention on the victim of their bad behavior than on the toddler will cause further discouragement of that behavior.
Timeouts can work for some children starting at age two. A timeout should last no more than the child’s age plus one minute and they should be placed in a boring, isolated location such as the corner of the dining room.
Do:
Stay calm
Make eye contact
Distract them
Praise good behavior to encourage good behavior
Do not:
Yell or hit
Explain why they can’t
Punish except for ignoring bad behavior or having them go to timeout
Children are certainly not immune to meltdowns. The most common triggers for child tantrums are:
Overtired, over hungry, and/or frustrated
Attention seeking
Sibling rivalry
Saving their frustrations for you, their source of unconditional love
Tantrums work!
Do:
Praise good behavior
Spend quality one on one time
Stay calm and in control
Discuss the negative behavior later when they are calm. Validate that feeling frustrated is normal and encourage/help your child to come up with more constructive ways to express their frustration, such as using words, squeezing a pillow, counting to ten, etc...
Practice! Have your child practice calming techniques ahead of time and remind them of the technique when you sense a tantrum coming on
Discuss ahead of time what the consequence will be for bad behavior and stick with it. Make sure consequences are meaningful, appropriate and practical
Do not:
Get into a screaming match
Give into their tantrum
Plan an important event if they will be overtired, underfed
Threaten a consequence that you can not follow through with
Teenagers are certainly not immune to meltdowns. They are at a crossroads in their lives, navigating how to be independent but still needing you. They are dealing with social pressures and are testing boundaries. As their parent, you are the source of unconditional love, which means they feel safe to take out their frustrations on you.
Do:
Give them space. Don’t force them to talk if they are not interested
Encourage conversation at dinner or in the car when you have their undivided attention
Encourage your teen to come up with their own solutions to problems
Show in interest in what interests them, their friends and hobbies
Do not:
Be judgmental
Tell them what to do