Talking To Your Teen
When did it get so hard to talk to your teen? Seems like just yesterday when they would get off the bus and tell you all about their day, show you the gold star they got from the teacher, and complain about how their best friend wouldn’t share her cookies at lunch. Remember when they would do their homework at the kitchen table and wanted you to stay nearby? Now you are lucky to get a “hi” when they get home from school and their response to inquiring about their day will typically be shutting their bedroom door. It may seem like a challenge, but it is possible to communicate effectively with your teenager and to continue to have a close relationship. It will be different, but it is meant to be different. With a little patience and some important strategies, you can foster a new kind of bond with your teen and help them navigate the challenges of becoming an independent adult.
Give them space
Ask them a million questions and they will clam up. A supportive smile lets them know you are there to listen when they are ready to talk.
Be a good listener
When your teen opens up to you it’s important to listen first and foremost. Put down your phone to avoid distractions, look at your teen and avoid judgmental expressions or words.
Don’t tell them what to do
Avoid the expression, “I think you should…” Help them find their own solution by reflecting back what they have said and asking them to brainstorm on solutions. It is more effective to ask it as a question than to tell them what to do. For example, “Would it be helpful to call her and apologize?” rather than “You should call her to apologize”
Show an interest in their interests
Teens think parents are only interested in school. Taking an interest in their music, their friendships, what shows they like to watch, shows them you care about them as a person, not just a student. You may discover a new common interest that the two of you can cultivate together.
Find dedicated “talking time”
After a long day at school dealing with teachers and peers many teens just need to unwind alone when they get home. Understandably they are not in the mood to talk. Mealtimes and car rides are excellent opportunities to have your teen’s undivided attention. Make an effort to have dinner with your teen at least once a week. Driving your teen to an activity or a friend’s house is another great time to talk.
Don’t shy away from the tough topics
It is important for teens to know how their parents feel about alcohol, drug use and other difficult topics. Believe it or not your teen wants and needs your guidance on these subjects. Avoid blanket statements like, “You should never… I would kill you if…”. Talk about why drug and alcohol use are dangerous. Ask them how they feel about it, if they have friends who use and how that makes them feel. Let them know it is safe to contact you if they are in a situation that they need to get out of without fearing repercussions.
Be a parent, not a buddy
Many of us want to be liked, especially by our children. However, your teenager needs you to be a parent, first and foremost. It is your responsibility to take care of them and make sure they are safe, which means there will be times when you say no to a request and of course that will make your teenager unhappy. In the short term they may act like they hate you but in the long term your teenager will appreciate your parenting and recognize that you are acting out of love for them.
Warning signs
It is not uncommon for teens to seem distant from you and show a lack of interest in spending time with the family. Usually this is normal teen behavior. However, social isolation can be a sign of anxiety, depression, or substance abuse. Warning signs include sudden lack of interest in engaging with friends and extracurricular activities, a drop in grades, and/or changes in eating and sleeping habits.
Give your teen a little space. Speak to them with compassion and respect. Soon enough they will enter adulthood and appreciate you as their parents once again!