Prep for the Soon to be Sibling
Everyone is so excited for expecting parents, except maybe the soon to be sibling! With some advanced planning and post new baby strategies your first born can quickly adapt to life with a newborn. Honestly, it’s the parents who will have the hardest time adjusting! Twice the children mean twice the work on much less sleep. But throw out any feelings of guilt. You are giving your child a sibling, a playmate, a co-conspirator, a best friend for life.
Preparing a toddler: It’s fine to talk about the baby that will be coming but children under age 2 really have no idea what you are talking about. They may talk about the baby in Mommy’s belly and even pick out cute names, but they cannot really comprehend the concept of another little one consuming their parents’ time.
Before the baby comes: Any major changes to their routine should ideally be made well ahead of baby’s arrival. If you plan on using the crib for the second one, it is best to transition your toddler to a bed before the baby arrives. The same strategy applies to weening toddlers off bottles and/or pacifiers. Do this at least several months before your due date. Encourage your toddler to sit on the potty only if they express an interest but reserve hard core toilet training for at least a few months after you give birth. It is common for many newly potty-trained big siblings to regress.
Visiting the hospital: Many hospitals will not allow children under age 3 to visit due to the pandemic. However, having your toddler visit you in the hospital can be traumatic for them. Seeing you in a new environment with a new baby and not coming home when they leave you can cause them stress.
Introducing the siblings: When you arrive home have your spouse or relative take the baby and spend some one-on-one time with your oldest. When they start to show some curiosity about the baby you can start showing them the baby, help them to touch the baby gently and complement them on being such a good big sibling. Do not force your child to “meet” the baby if they are not yet interested.
· Life with new baby: Try to keep your toddler’s schedule as similar as possible to what it was before baby came home. Keep morning, naptime, and bedtime routines the same and if possible, continue preschool or daycare. Give your toddler their own “baby” doll to feed and change diapers when you are doing these activities with the newborn.
· Jealousy: Interestingly, toddlers will not blame your lack of attention on their baby sibling. They will simply become angry at you! It is common for toddlers to act out in negative ways to express their frustration and to get your attention. They may start to hit or bite you, have temper tantrums or regressive behaviors, like slipping into baby talk, ask to be carried, or cry for no reason. Carve out some one-on-one time every day, try to ignore negative behaviors and remember to praise good behaviors, even if expected.
Preparing a 3- to 5-year-old: Children this age will have conflicted feelings about being a big sibling. There will be some excitement but also some sadness at having to share the spotlight.
· Before the baby comes: Involving your child with preparations for the new baby will give them a vested interest! Have them help with setting up the newborn nursery, pick out toys and books for the baby and give opinions on the baby’s name. Go over in very basic terms what will happen when the baby is born. Explain that you and the baby will be in the hospital, that they can come visit you both there and that you will come home in a day or two.
· Visiting the hospital: Prepare your child ahead of time for what will happen when they visit you, what the room may look like and how long they will stay.
· Introducing the siblings: It is important for you to first spend some time with your oldest before introducing the baby. Do not force your oldest to hold, kiss or touch the baby. Let them get comfortable with the newborn on their own terms.
· Life with new baby: Keeping your child’s schedule as similar as possible is essential. Do not forgo routines the two of you had beforehand. Involve your eldest in baby care activities as appropriate and based on your child’s interest. Again, do not force the relationship. It will come in time.
· Jealousy: This is the age group that will have the most difficult time with jealousy. They have been used to being the center of attention and understand that the baby is taking them out of the spotlight. Make sure to carve out one-on-one time each day and plan a few newborn-less outings to make them feel special. A thank you for being my big sibling gift from their new baby can be helpful. Be sure to praise good behavior and positive interactions with the new baby, for example, “What a sweet kiss you gave your little brother! You are the best big sister ever”.
Preparing children over 5 years of age: Most older children are super ecstatic to welcome a new baby to the family. At this point in their lives, they are used to separating from you to go to school, have their own friends and interests.
· Before the baby comes: Older children can be as involved as you and they would like to be. You can show them ultrasound photos, have them feel the fetus moving, pick out room décor, etc. but don’t force the issue if they are not interested.
· Life with new baby: Allow your older child to let you know how involved they want to me. Some children may want to help by getting diapers or pacifiers. Others may just want playtime, reading to the baby or showing them toys.
· Jealousy: Again, sticking to pre-baby routines are very important. Carving out time alone with an older child is just as important as it is with younger children. If you are your child’s team sport cheerleader, find a way to continue to cheer them on. Best of all, children this age can articulate their feelings. It’s appropriate and helpful to ask how they are feeling about the changes at home and to be empathetic.
Expanding your family is an exciting, happy, and yes, stressful time! With a little advanced planning and some post-delivery strategies your entire household can adapt easily to the changes. Don’t be surprised by the guilt you will feel at times about having less time with your eldest. Remember, you are teaching them resilience and giving them a best friend for life!