Mother-Daughter Puberty Talk

The ever-important puberty talk!  When to have it? What to say?  Is it even necessary?  Absolutely!! Your daughter needs your reassurance and needs to know she can ask you all the embarrassing questions swirling in her brain.  The process of puberty hasn’t changed but the timing has over the years.  Girls and boys are both experiencing signs of puberty at an earlier age then your generation. The time for the talk is before your child starts showing obvious signs of puberty.  Early signs of puberty can start as young as age 8. The average age for girls is about age 10, a good age to sit down and have “the talk”.   I suggest discussing the stages of puberty she will go through and allowing her to ask questions along the way. It’s important to be honest. If you don’t know the answer, tell her you will find it out!

Step 1: Breast bud development:  One of the early signs of puberty in girls is the development of breast buds. Let your daughter know that this starts as a tiny swelling under the nipple.  She might not even be aware it’s happening.  It takes years for breasts to fully develop.  Reassure her that it is normal, even typical for one side to start to grow before the other.  It is also common for breast buds to feel a bit tender as they grow. This is nothing to be alarmed about.  If your daughter is experiencing soreness with breast development giving her acetaminophen can help.  What about bras?  When does she need to start wearing one?  There are two reasons. If your daughter is a competitive athlete, she may need a sports bra to help support her when competing.  Another reason to wear a bra is to hide the outline of the newly developing breast, especially when wearing more form fitting shirts.

Step 2: Axillary and pubic hair growth: Reassure your daughter that this is normal and can be seen as early as age 8 in girls.  She may also notice that the hair on her legs is getting thicker and darker. When is it okay to start shaving?  It is really up to the girl herself. One of the downsides to shaving is that once you start it’s hard to stop. The hair will grow back thicker and coarser once you start shaving. The safest way to shave is with an electric razor.  Cuts are very rare.  If your daughter wants to use a bladed razor, make sure she uses a good shaving cream with it. Products like Nair work well without risking nicks and cuts but do a test patch first to make sure her skin tolerates it.  Waxing is a very effective hair removal process, albeit pretty painful so not a popular one with the pre-teen set.

Step 3: Growth spurt:  The pubertal growth spurts typically happens before the onset of menses.  It’s usually not subtle.  Suddenly all of her jeans have become capris and it’s time to start shopping for new pants and new shoes. A preteen can add up to 5 inches in that growth spurt year.  Girls typically have this growth spurt before boys do, creating those awkward middle school years when the girls are towering over their boy peers.

Step 4: Mood swings: Ahh, the most annoying part of puberty. Try not to be judgmental when discussing this one with your daughter! Simply explain that the chemicals in her body that are controlling puberty have an effect on our mood. Girls can be fine and happy one minute and then turn on a dime and feel cranky the next.  Reassure her that all of her friends are going through this together and reassure yourself that it is normal for her to take her moods out on you because you are her mom and her source of unconditional love.  I like to joke with girls that chocolate helps!  But seriously, a little self-indulgence does make us feel better. The good news is that once she starts getting a regular monthly period the random mood swing will improve.

Step 5: Menses: Getting your period is the final stage of puberty. It takes on average about 2-3 years from the onset of breast development for most girls to start menstruating. All other steps will be in place, so if your daughter is just showing early signs of puberty, be sure to reassure her that there will be plenty of time before she needs to worry about getting her period.  It is important to prepare her as best you can.  It’s a good idea to make sure she has some supplies (pads and a change of underwear) in her school locker, backpack and sports bag.  Unfortunately, our period doesn’t send us a text message to announce its impeding arrival.  So, we girls have to always be prepared to deal with our period wherever we are.  For some girls the first menses can be very subtle, just some spotting and she might not even realize it’s occurred.  Others can start with a normal flow from the onset.  It is quite typical for periods to be irregular for the first few years.  I always encourage girls to keep track of their periods and there are many Apps now that do this.  While it is not concerning for a newly menstruating girl to skip even months between cycles, if she is getting a normal menstrual flow every 2 weeks for more then 2-3 cycles you should contact her health care provider.  A normal menstrual flow is considered changing 3-6 pads per day for three to ten days.  Most girls staring out will gravitate towards pads.  However, there is no age a girl needs to be to use a tampon.  She simply needs to feel comfortable inserting one properly.  For tampon users, I suggest that they change the tampon every 3-4 hours to avoid accidents and I encourage girls to sleep in pads instead of tampons, mostly so that they don’t forget in the morning that a tampon is in and accidently insert another tampon.

Advice about cramps:  Cramps are certainly a bummer.  But we don’t have to suffer in silence!  Cramps happen because the uterus is a muscle and when we have our period that muscle is contracting to release the tissue.  Ibuprofen type medications seem to work better on contracting muscles.  The best way to prevent severe cramps is to take ibuprofen just when the cramps are starting, if possible. It’s easier to control mild pain then more severe pain.  Heating pads can help relax muscle as well. One of the downsides to taking ibuprofen is that it can make the flow heavier, so advice your daughter to be on the lookout for that.  Calcium is a mineral that helps muscles relax. Some studies have found that women with a low calcium intake may have more severe menstrual cramps.  Taking daily calcium supplements may help reduce cramps.  Fortunately, ii is rare, but for some women menses can trigger migraines and even vomiting. It is important to contact your daughter’s health care provider if this occurs as there are prescription medications that can help.

Discussing puberty with your daughter may seem daunting and scary.  Think of it instead as an opportunity to bond over a unique shared experience!  And let her know you are always there for her.